These are the emails that try women’s souls.
Continue reading How to Get Me To Tell You To Fuck Off (Online Dating Edition)
Category: Dating
Dating Tips for Depressed People
It’s Saturday. I want to help. So here are some tips for getting that date while you have the blues.
- Get yourself out there. Start by crawling out from under the covers.
- Wash your hair.
- Sighing deeply is not a good ice-breaker.
- Sobbing into your milkshake generally doesn’t get the boys to the yard.
- Make eye contact. Begin by not staring at the floor.
- “Great smile. You must take some really good meds” is not a good pick-up line.
- Show off your chest! Stop slouching.
- Oversize sweats won’t get you to first base.
- Black is only considered slimming if the label is Chanel, a French house not known for putting elastic waistbands in its clothing.
- Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkee does not count as an aphrodisiac.
- Listing off all the ways it sucked is not the best answer to “How was your day?”
- Come up with different first date ideas other than listening to The Smiths with the shades drawn and cutting yourself.
- End the date with a kiss and not with a threat to slit your wrists if he doesn’t call you.
Online Dating Profile
I have climbed Mount Kilimanjaro while listening to Miles’ Filles du Kilimanjaro, swam in the Ganges with dolphins (this was rough — they kept complaining that all those ancestors’ ashes clogged up their blowholes), apprenticed with shamans and gurus (even set them up against each other just for fun which is how I got kicked out of seventh heaven), and once accidentally scaled U2 having mistaken it for K2. I have also astral traveled, but stopped when they refused to redeem my psychic air miles.
I will try anything once. Except for gluten, red meat, alcohol, dairy products, carbs… Actually, email me and I’ll send you a list. But other than that? Anything. Just remember I only give it one shot, so make sure the timing is right.