How to Get Me To Tell You To Fuck Off (Online Dating Edition)

These are the emails that try women’s souls.

1. Tell me that, since we’ve both given each other 3 or more stars, I should stop answering everyone else’s emails and focus just on you. (Note: This is your first email to me ever.)

2. Email me this: “Very pretty. Now let’s c u.” (Email back: “Very ballsy. Now let’s kick u in the nuts.”)

3. Tell me you’re in town for the weekend – you live in Australia or in Tahiti or in the McMurdo Station –, and you’re feeling lonely, so will I meet you at 8pm at Such and Such and place tonight for dinner? (Nothing flatters a woman more than being mistaken for an escort.)

4. Let me know that you’re free tomorrow (Saturday night) and I seem really spontaneous so let’s just meet at 10pm at Such and Such a Place you’ve picked. (Note: 2nd email, we’ve never spoken on the phone and we never even discussed meeting. Nothing’s hotter than a total stranger who assumes I’ll drop my weekend plans just for him. And if I end up ingesting a roofie and getting raped on the floor of a public bathroom, well, hell, you gotta live dangerously.)

5. Ask me if I’m open to a Friends With Benefits situation. (This is not the beginning of a beautiful friendship.)

6. Tell me you’re married and looking for a discrete “friend” who “understands” your “special situation” and I seem so “kind.” (Thank you for confusing me with a doormat.)

7. Contact me several times even though I don’t answer because all of your pictures are of you in Troll wigs, or in superhero outfits, or in a Speedo, or pointing a gun at the camera. Or your profile is a screed against “feminazis” and women who hate “nice guys”. Or a perfect storm of all of the above. Keep insisting that I give you a chance because you really feel we might be “soulmates”.

8. Ask me if I’m into younger men. You’re looking for a “mentor”, wink wink nudge nudge! (You’re 17. Nothing ruins a first date like statutory rape and a call from your Mom.)

9. Ask me if I’m into older men. It could be really “fun,” wink wink nudge nudge! (You’re 77. Nothing ruins a first date like a Viagra overdose.)

10. Let me know that you’re willing to go out with me, even though I’m really too old for you – we’re the same age or you’re older –, and I look pretty good even though I’m “no spring chicken”. Clarify: Are my pictures recent?

11. Attempt to engage me in a very intellectual, “hypothetical” discussion about sexual practices.




Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *