Dating Tips for Depressed People

It’s Saturday. I want to help. So here are some tips for getting that date while you have the blues.
  1. Get yourself out there. Start by crawling out from under the covers.
  2. Wash your hair.
  3. Sighing deeply is not a good ice-breaker.
  4. Sobbing into your milkshake generally doesn’t get the boys to the yard.
  5. Make eye contact. Begin by not staring at the floor.
  6. “Great smile. You must take some really good meds” is not a good pick-up line.
  7. Show off your chest! Stop slouching.
  8. Oversize sweats won’t get you to first base.
  9. Black is only considered slimming if the label is Chanel, a French house not known for putting elastic waistbands in its clothing.
  10. Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkee does not count as an aphrodisiac.
  11. Listing off all the ways it sucked is not the best answer to “How was your day?”
  12. Come up with different first date ideas other than listening to The Smiths with the shades drawn and cutting yourself.
  13. End the date with a kiss and not with a threat to slit your wrists if he doesn’t call you.

Online Dating Profile

I have climbed Mount Kilimanjaro while listening to Miles’ Filles du Kilimanjaro, swam in the Ganges with dolphins (this was rough — they kept complaining that all those ancestors’ ashes clogged up their blowholes), apprenticed with shamans and gurus (even set them up against each other just for fun which is how I got kicked out of seventh heaven), and once accidentally scaled U2 having mistaken it for K2. I have also astral traveled, but stopped when they refused to redeem my psychic air miles.

I will try anything once. Except for gluten, red meat, alcohol, dairy products, carbs… Actually, email me and I’ll send you a list. But other than that? Anything. Just remember I only give it one shot, so make sure the timing is right.

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