Red Butterfly
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Frequently Asked Questions

Q. Is there a God?

A. There's been quite a bit of speculation on this matter. Philosophers such as Thomas Aquinas, Maimonides, Spinoza, have all delved into this question. Why you would think that I would be able to answer this when I don't possess even a tenth of their intellectual capacity is equally paradoxical. This much I know, though: Throughout history people who've questioned God's existence have been burned, tortured, fried in oil, poked with hot irons, and generally been treated as if an Iron Chef were desperate to make something innovative with left-over Spam. As of this writing, however, no one has been sautéed or rolled in seaweed, and served as sushi -- infinitely healthier options. Unless you're on that Paleo diet and then I don't know why you're asking me about God, you freaking unevolved carnivore. Anyway, even in these enlightened times people have had a bad time mulling this one over. My advice? Don't open that can of worms.

Q. What is the meaning of life?

A. The meaning of life is to live it. Live it gratefully, with an open heart and the faith of a little child learning to walk. Do you see how he stumbles, lands on his little diapered bottom, gets up again, totters like a little drunkard, and falls again and again, yet keeps trying? Do you see that? Then, why, I ask you, do you so cruelly let him fall while you just sit there laughing and taunting the little klutz? Dude. Pick on someone your own size.

Q. Why must we suffer?

A. Because God is bored. If you're Bertrand Russell, it's because people are bored. Then again, if you're Bertrand Russell, you know very well the universe is a deep black hole of heartless indifference where no one can hear you scream.

Q. Is there a Heaven?

A. You know when you're overworked and you don't even have enough time to get lunch so you grab whatever you can and it's usually pizza and you do this for a week and then, ahem, you're all blocked up? Then one day all of a sudden everything clicks and you're sitting in your bathroom at home and WHAMMO! You let loose? Tell me that's not heaven.

Q. Is there an Afterlife?

A. You sure are pesky. Man. Don't you have anything better to do? Seriously. Who do I look like, Siddharta, Mahatma, the Buddah? By the way, have you done your taxes yet? Take care of those first.

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